Have you ever had “the parent” that has rocked your world to the point you question if you should continue your career in teaching? This post about dealing with difficult parents will tug at those heartstrings as well as provide support for how to handle these challenges so you can stay sane during your year.
How this post came to be:
This blog post took me about a month to write. When I started writing this blog post I did more harm on my keyboard by overloading it with tears, than I did provide any educational value. This year, I had a parent that questioned everything I ever did with his child. His e-mails were crude, and he made me feel like a lesser person in the fact that he CC’d my principal in every email. These are just a few tidbits, not to rant, but to let you know that I’ve been there. I’ve struggled, I’ve questioned my profession, and I have prayed hard about these circumstances. The fact that I am a teacher-blogger and write on this website does not give this website some super power shield to block myself from these strenuous teacher issues.
Because on my situation this year, I had the help of my amazing principal to guide me through this learning experience. If you are ever in need, let this blog post provide you with tips that I have gathered after reflecting on my own experiences.
The first tip should basically be considered a rule. I am a transparent teacher that admits my faults when necessary, I feel that it is part of the growing process. I will loudly admit that I have DEFINITELY pressed send on an e-mail to that difficult parent that I should not have before. It is so easy to just respond to respond, and then click send so you can be done with the issue. However, that usually means it’s going to come back and bite you in the you know where.
- If you receive an upsetting e-mail in the morning. Click out of it. Don’t let it ruin your day. You are human and a quick response is not going to end the issue. That also gives that parent more time during the day to respond. By waiting until your conference or end of the day, you are also giving that parent time to cool down.
- Don’t proofread your emails your self. Send them to a collage, school specialist, counselor, principal, or assistant principal for the go ahead before you press send. You don’t want to use a phrase like, “I am baffled” and they take it as rude. Yes, Yes….I DID use that phrase! Honestly, I just like the word baffle I didn’t expect it to catch fire. Let’s just say I got scorched on that one and have thoroughly learned my lesson. What’s hilarious is that I double-majored (and one of my majors) is Rhetoric and Argumentation. I feel that I struggle in the sense that when I write e-mails, I write to answer the questions and offer clarity, but I do not give enough emotion in them. In today’s social media world, a smiley face or exclamation mark is needed in parent e-mails, whereas from my educational background, I saw that as unnecessary fodder. Now, you better believe I am inserting jokes, and emoticons into my emails to reach my parents.
- DELETE YOUR SCHOOL EMAIL FROM YOUR PHONE! Your time off is your time off. The most cathartic thing that I have done is delete my school mail and I 100% believe that I am a happier person because of it. If someone from school needs to reach me that badly, they can call me. This will also aid in you responding to an email that needs time to process first.
If it gets to the point where you realize the parent is going to e-mail you periodically regardless, then take authority and set a schedule. Tell the parent that you would love to share the positives as well as what their child is still working on to ensure success. This will give you time to test methods and allow their child to adapt to the different methods you are trying. As a result, weekly or biweekly check in would be more beneficial. You as a teacher will be able to share not only what you are trying, but you will be given enough time to pass so you can share how the methods worked for their child.
In addition, the difficult parent can also be working on some things at home to help better manage their child to strengthen the home/school connection. If the child works well with checklists, encourage that parent to create morning and evening checklists for their child. IT SHOULD NOT JUST BE YOU DOING THE WORK. One of my favorite lessons is to, “Helicopter back. Be a helicopter teacher”. Ask the parent questions in the check in. Did what you suggest they try work for them? The parent will in turn realize, hey…this is a lot of work 😉
This was a hard lesson that I learned with the guidance from my principal. That parent may be asking you over and over again what you are doing for his child, but in truth, that parent will never truly see all that you are doing to ensure their kid (and the others in your classroom) are taken care of. You can’t make them see because they have no idea what it is like to be a teacher.
You also can’t argue with crazy. I am a people pleaser, I didn’t really realize that I was but I am finding more about myself as the years pass. We can’t please everyone and when that happens, you need to rely on the support of your administration. Let them know what is happening, it is OK to ask for help.
At the end of the day the parent *hopefully* isn’t picking a fight just to pick a fight, there is probably some underlying issue regarding their behavior. Divorce could be a reason there is conflict. Is there a medial issue bothering them? Do the internalize any issue with their child as *bad parenting* on their part? Whatever the issue is, you cannot control it. Please understanding that you cannot make them fix their own internal issue, but you can make them respect you.
This should also fall into the category of RULES. Whenever there is ever an issue, behavior or academic, somebody somewhere is going to ask you what you did and how did it work. In this case you must show concrete examples. Take the emotion out of it. When you document you need to rely on facts only and not feelings. “X did this because Y”. “Teacher tried X, the student’s response was Y”. Be specific, but do not show your feelings when you are writing these things. I recommend writing them immediately after you try something. Then GO BACK at the end of the day and re-read it once you have a clearer head on the situation. This will save you with your wording.
I began by documenting everything in a paper format. Handwriting can take extra time and you may be more prone leave out certain information. Typing is quicker and you can’t lose the documents since its saved online. I created a Google Doc that you can download and tweak for your benefit. Protect yourself by using these forms that will keep all the information for that one parent in one spot. The behavior ones can be used for whoever. I created different versions so you can take what you need.
CLICK HERE to download.
Do you send out a newsletter every week? I send out an electronic newsletter that is housed on our classroom website (Created by A Bird in Hand Designs). It is so much easier to type what I need to say on our website, and I can refer back to it to parents as the year goes on. This website also doubles as documentation that I have contacted parents to let them know what is happening in the classroom at least one a week. Parents will receive an email notification from me with the link so they are reminded to check the website.
I have a tab on my website called “Home Activities”. Here, I list tons of helpful reading and math websites and apps that children can get on at home. I also list websites like ReadWorks, where parents can find reading passages for their children. Of course, if a parent does not have the means to print at home I will definitely do it for the, but this ensures that they have access to material without me as well.
In my blog post, if I say we are learning about subject and predicates, then I link to an anchor chart from Pinterest or a quick video that I easily looked up on Youtube. Instead of quickly typing the skill, I am opening the door to show the parents what we are learning. This is something that I could not do if I only gave a paper copy.
You can also make flashcard on Quizlet for different skills and post the flashcards to the website for the kids to have access to. I did that with my multiplication facts and it worked perfectly!
This hub may seem like a daunting task at first. Once you have done it for the year you will have it reading to go for the following teaching years. All you will have to do is tweak it from year to year and add more resources if you choose. This hub is great for parents that say they want to help their child but don’t have the extra time to find something. They know they will always have access to this area.
Take the grow and glow approach. Sandwich the grows with some positives first so the parent can feel that some accomplishment is happening.
You are there to teach and there are also 18 other sweet little kids that need your attention. This included the child of the parent who is driving you up the wazoo. Don’t allow the feelings of the parent to overtake the kindness of the other children that love you and appreciate what you do for them.
Rose-Colored glasses people, even when they’re fogging up and its a rain storm. This stressful parent is making you try new things and well and find patience. Think of this parent as if they are teaching something to you for your following teaching career. Did you learn how to respond to e-mails? Have you learned how to leave work at home? What about new management techniques that surfaced since you had to try out so many with their child? What did you learn and how did you have to change to learn something? This can be so difficult to see when you at the time you’re seeing red or blue. However, when you’re over the hump of the parent, you will be able to say, “Thank you Mr. _________” as you use a tool that you had to use with him in your following years.
I hope you were able to take even one idea to use during your hardship. If you have any tips for parents, please comment below. Together, we are so much better.